So I'm too nervous to sleep. I have a doctor's appointment at noon - I imagine I'll get there quite early and hopefully they will take me back on time. This is a HUGE day - its the day my doctor gets to decide if I can try to get pregnant with Clomid. I don't think we'll be successful without it. There are reasons he could say no (too overweight, the fibromyalgia, the pcos, the thyroid problem) and reasons he could say yes. But there are probably more medical reasons against than for. Hence the nervousness.
I do believe that if he says no I'll be going home in tears. Sigh. I want a child so badly - and it would be such a miracle to be able to carry my and James baby. At least I know that if I can't or shouldn't, then we will travel adoption road. But I know that can be a very hard road to walk with a lot of uncertainty and chance of heartbreak. I hope that God will be with me whichever way we'll be going - I hope that I'm meant to be a mother, because it SURE feels like it. I can't imagine not having children. At this point it is my life's dream and my hearts desire. I want this with all of my being. I've wanted this for three years - but was never in a stable enough situation that I could go for it.
I can try to fill that empty aching hole inside of me - the hole that will fill with love for my children - with kittens and cats and rescuing but at the end of the day, it isn't a quarter filled. It's still so empty. I have no idea if James can truly understand the depth and breadth of this overwhelming NEED. At least I know that he will be supportive and will love me no matter what. He's a wonderful husband and I am so lucky to have him.
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