oh baby baby...

June 13th seems like a lifetime away. I so want to be pregnant but at the same time wow. Even if I get a positive there is such a high chance of miscarriage. I don't want to be pregnant only to lose the baby. I really don't.


My breasts hurt. Very badly. I'm going to wear a bra all the time now just to see if that helps. Maybe not wearing a bra was causing the breast pain? I don't know. I don't really believe that. I'm getting cramps on either side of the uterus pretty regularly and I definitely feel some things happening a little higher in my abdomen. Strange. But cool at the same time. I guess it will only be cool if its because of something good and not something bad though. I don't want a tumor or a cyst or a fibroid. I want a baby. I want to be a mama. I want to have a family.

Cries and Ultrasound scheduled

I'm really scared. REALLY.  What if its not a baby? What's causing me to feel like this? And if its not a child, this is a really cruel joke. Sigh. I know James said he's no longer ready and would like to wait a year and I'm really okay with that - but if it is he's going to have to deal with it. I'll have to deal with it.

It would be a miracle. I've taken about 9 hpt at this point - all negative. I'm scheduled to have an ultrasound done on June 13th at Dr. Deans. I'm dreading it because my heart is going to break if its negative. And if its positive I think I might dread telling James.

My symptoms (the really stronger ones in the last week and a half to two weeks)

• nausea - and almost throwing up several times for various reasons
• somewhat strange food cravings - or food avoidance.
• a little more tired than usual
• a lot more sore than usual - especially hips and back area
• feeling kind of weak - not a lot but a little bit
• boobs are sore - as in hurting. Sometimes little "zings" and other times just dull and achy - they've also grown at least a whole size in the last month
• can see my blue veins much more clearly - even in my breasts
• more stretch marks - probably from gaining weight
• a little more emotional than usual - greater intollerance for stupidity and little things make me cry
• having these cramping feelings - moreso on the left side than the right, but truthfully on both sides. Almost like the "going to get a period" feeling - but no period. 
• Ummm.... no period. Lol. But that's not like super rare for me with PCOS
• Breaking out on my face - UGH.
• Feeling really really really really bloated.
• Feeling a tightness/fullness in womb area
• drinking a lot more fluids lately
• peeing in greater amounts (but probably from drinking more lol)

Yeah. If I'm not preggers I'm going to be MAD. Stupid stupid body. I've been through this once before and it was supposedly only my thyroid acting up but I think I probably was pregnant and miscarried very early on.